it all has to do with the death of my stepmother, vi. i don't understand it well at all, but i've fallen into what feels like a bottomless hole of grief. can you grieve the death of someone you didn't even like? who made it abundantly clear to you that she cared nothing for you? someone who did you much more harm than good? this isn't rational. i like things to be rational.
so i have begun a timeline. i'm going through my life, year by year, writing down the milestones, and the clearest memories. i'm trying to see how the pattern of abuse developed, and who was really responsible. because, you see, i've always thought my father was innocent of it all. that he didn't know.
but, of course he knew. the neighbors knew. the rest of the family knew. the teachers knew there was something very wrong, but they didn't know what.
so, i guess i'm grieving my relationship with my father as well. i'm finally having to admit that he was complicit, a co-abuser. so instead of wanting to help him in his 'golden' years, i'm so angry i want nothing to do with him.